Fat Rolls

Have you ever seen behind the scenes kitchens in restaurants, garbage
cans to be exact…….digging with plastic gloves me, my kids
the bus boy and several other kitchen staff…my sister was
displeased to say the least….

After a day of wondering through outlet stores we had decided to
conclude our day with a celebratory dinner, Fresh Choice of course I
was dieting and half way through the salad I lost my resolve and it was
on like Donkey Kong.

Pizza slices dripping with fake cheese, bread oh the muffins.. yes the
muffins how I loved them, soup, pasta, salads dripping with dressing
and lets not forget the soft serve ….. I had stuffed myself and pissed I
haven’t chosen a burger joint.

This was a classic Reigan move , I had a long history of  loosing my
keys. Digging and sloping through the garbage, dirty dishes with no
joy.We had been at it for 35 minutes, I was starting to panic……I had
no spare key, driving a car I had absolutely no business having, I
couldn’t afford the imported spare key(BMW) it was my Barbie car after
my divorce, although it was used, I was having a hard time with my up
keep let alone my car.

As I stood up with hands on hips (it’s my power pose) I felt
something at my finger tips……..what in the hell?!?! My keys! They had
been smothered in a fat roll tucked into waist of my too tight skirt
made worse by the 3 trips to the bread bar……really are you kidding
me?  Thinking to myself that this only happened to fat chicks
……oh yea I am. Thinking quick, not to be stoned by the
villagers( those helping me dig through garbage)  I excused myself and
went to the bathroom.

I sat down on the commode and cried, then laughed,  at the scene just
played out, although  I was the only one privy to the finale.  When
did I get so fat that I could hide a set of keys in a fat roll?
Pulled myself together and made the same promise to
myself….tomorrow I’ll start my diet (bullshit).

“I found them! “”The burning question where we’re they??”

Damn…..I lied like a rug,” in my pocket don’t know how I missed
them” relived and over it I opened my purse to retrieve my
sunglasses…And rite there in front of god and everyone was the secret to why I
could hide a set of keys in my fat rolls…..
A rookie move!  I had forgotten my ritual of wrapping and packing my
purse with muffins from the Buffet, 5 large chocolate chip muffins
gave my secret away! I looked at my kids and sister……laughter
exploding from all of us, we made a very quick exit with my stolen
merchandise in tact.

Of Course we ate the stinking muffins on the way home!

Peach out bitches!

~Reigan Riley